Have you ever had a conflict with your partner, and it seems to never go away? I know sometimes in argument the same thing will be brought up over and over again. Then you someone will say “you can’t let go of the past” Trust me its not about letting go. It has absolutely nothing to do with letting go. Whomever is the person who the hurt person has preceieved to have hurt them isn’t quit understanding the hurt person. The person who is hurt hasn’t got the sense that you fully understand where they are coming from, or you have yet to validate the emotion that they feel.
As a women this is frustrating, to voice how you feel and someone isnt getting it. They think you are defensive and overly emotional. Logically we cant think untill you have validated our emotion. Stop and tell me i understand that you feel hurt and upset because I…. And in that moment the rage and bitterness goes away and we are on the same page. Now instead of a bunch of emotions coiled in a mess, you get a more smooth outburst of emotions that are made to be understood and less defensive. We are no longer stuck in the emotion. ” I totally understand how you can feel betrayed, that was never my intention”. Your owning up to it, your aren’t making someone feel there emotions are EXTRA.
Men you guys are fixers naturally if something is broke you fix it. As a women sometimes not what we are looking for. We may keep bringing it up because fixing is not what we want you to do. DON’T TRY TO FIX IT EVERY TIME.
For example is a women is venting and she tells you “This stupid lady hit my new car, and she should have been looking, i was late to work and missed my conference call ugh dumb lady” PLEASE DON’T SAY well the good thing is you are ok and the conference call wasn’t mandatory. Your trying to make us feel better change our mood, but we see you trying to fix the problem. We internalize that as our feelings being brushed off. We can also doubtlessly get more irritated and then we have a whole new issue. You then feed your narrative, “see, she’s continually so negative ! Nothing will make her satisfied,” and she feeds her narrative, “see, he never listens and he doesn’t care about me and how I feel.”
We women keep bringing it up because we don’t see the issue as being fixed. Maybe talked about but not fixed.The bulk of repairing conflict is usually having to validate each other’s views with out seeking to win the argument. If your goal is to be right, then you definitely have misplaced the capability to restore anything with your companion successfully. You two are on the same team so winning doesn’t matter. something that needs to be done is the person that is doing the hurting needs to try and try hard to gain an understanding of the emotions she is feeling so you can keep the relationship healthy and you two keep the respect in the relationship.
In case your partner feels hurt by you, try to recognize why verses get protective and inform them they’re “wrong” simply due to the fact you don’t agree or your aim turned into perceived otherwise. fix any and all misunderstandings by validating each other, and work on developing consistency and consciousness for future issues. women need to learn how to validation too.